This is the truth from within the heart
Will be writing in English if that’s okay.
I just watched Stefan Neff’s youtube video “Inside the Mind of a Moral Harassment.” and I can’t believe how much I cried. I mean I had to stop the video so many times because I was crying so much that couldn’t concentrate. My heart really felt that this is what I wanted at the bottom of my heart. I’ve been trying to hate my ex, get away from my ex, and all that I am the victim, so I need to run away get away from him, but that never brought peace in my mind. But after watching the video, my mind seems to have found peace. My ex and I are school mates since 7th grade, and were best friends for a while and dated for about 2 years, and we made things so ugly and stopped talking to each other in 2010 (I’m 29 right now). We have gone our separate ways, he’s in Massachusetts, I’m in Tokyo, so I’m doubting that our paths will cross again. But at least I could finally admit to myself, how much I still love him. Now I’m not sure if I’m feeling like I still love him only because I still haven’t come out of abuse, like I’m just still loving that perfect boyfriend he used to be before he started controlling me and not the actual person he is. Maybe I’m just jumping for this magical sounding perfect solution. I’ve always wanted him to change, and been thinking how everything will be perfect if he changed, and here there is something that makes it seem it’s possible. I’m still confused. I will need some more thinking to do. But one thing I know is that I’ve been going to counseling for years and finally came to a state where I am accepting and forgiving myself for who I really am. That came from letting myself be independent mentally from my parents and looking at who I am and NOT who I want myself to be. I’m ready to make myself happy, and live my life from now on. I also know that’s not so easy, but will try slowly at my own pace. There’s almost nothing people can just learn to do at once, we all need some time.
Anyways so I am confused, whether or not this love I’m feeling towards him is real. Maybe I’m still being controlled by him. I am wanting to be his savior, which makes me feel like I’m still being that nice girl who lets him hurt me all he wants. Maybe I’m just being a 偽善者, wanting to help this poor man. I’m also having doubts that it was only because that your husband is Stefan that things started to change, and my ex is not Stefan Neff so he might not be able to change. Unless my ex is willing to change, maybe it won’t happen. This might be a normal thought anyone would have because we’re all told that abuser is someone to get away from, they are bad, they will never change.
I’m sorry for the long message. I just felt like I had to talk to someone about my feelings.